I am both an introvert and an extrovert. In simpler terms, I am an ambivert. I love to play with Arun, engage in conversations and be surrounded by as many people as much as I love being alone with my cat, thoughts and plants.
Since I had Arun, the only time I had alone was a few hours a day which was great, but a feeling of constant rush always shaded them. You never know what to do first, where to start and which activity is more important; rest, work, yoga, clean, etc. Until now, it was impossible to have a clean house, do my workout, meditate, write a whole article, eat a proper meal, and rest all on the same day. Sometimes I was able to do some and on other days, I was able to do the others.
First time alone at home after 3 years
Maybe this seems inconceivable to some of you, and I can understand that. Something shifts and can never be unsifted again when you become a mother. There is a feeling that you will have inside you all your life, day in and day out, no matter how many days you will be alone.
Yet, being alone four days in a row, for the first time in 3 years, felt like the first summer vacation I had in my life. The simple thought that I have plenty of time and don’t have to hurry to finish anything made me feel so relaxed. I knew that my thoughts were making my everyday life more complicated, but I didn’t have the clarity to see just how much all these thoughts weighed.
It is fascinating to see from outside how our thoughts and perceptions influence the way we think, feel and react. However, when we have the opportunity to see ourselves through these lenses, everything becomes clearer and lighter.
4 Days, 4 Discoveries
In these four days of being alone, I discovered many things that were hidden from me or that I was thinking of but wasn’t quite sure about. I will share only four with you and let you discover the rest of them when you have your days alone.
1. Clarified perspectives, plans and purposes
Things well planned are halfway done. Not once have I found myself testing this saying, just to discover if it is true. When I take the time to organise, I feel more relaxed. I have a clearer picture of everything, and I do more of what I intend to do.
When Arun and Christian were on their mini-holiday in Italy, I had the time and the peace to think about what I want, to plan my next moves and to create a flow between all the aspects of my life so I could feel fulfilled on each one of them.
2. It helped me reconnect with myself.
Psychiatrist and parenting expert Dr Carole Lieberman says, “Moms need time to nurture the other parts of themselves — besides nurturing their children. They need time alone to do this. A mom can only be as good a nurturer to her kids as she takes alone time to nurture herself. She needs to replenish herself so that she has more to give her children.”
When you have a child, putting yourself first is challenging, even if you know it is the best thing for everyone. Creating a balance between the time you give yourself and the time you give to your child, your partner, your job, your hobbies, your home is a personal thing and a work in progress. Everyone knows the best balance in their life and may vary from day-to-day or to time-to-time.
But on these few days in which I was alone, I had the time to focus only on myself. I remembered what I enjoyed doing before I had Arun. I had the time to blend the old me (soft, restless, confused) with the new me (more mature, powerful, tired, fearless). Also, I rested, offered myself a coffee at the local coffee shop, walked in nature, wrote two articles and much more. All this helped me have a clear picture of myself and of the present I live in.
3. I had the time to reconsider my words and reactions.
A kid pushes all sorts of buttons and shows you how much you have to work with yourself each and every single day to stay aware and bring yourself into balance. Sometimes you manage to observe yourself in time, have the best answers and stay calm in the most stressful situations. Still, there are also days when Medusa comes out, and you say things you regret the second they come out of your mouth.
One thing that helped me change my behaviour and reactions in the past years was to rethink my reactions in advance. How I wished to react and how I would like others to react if I was in that situation are two questions that made me more conscious about the situations I was confronted with. Of course, it doesn’t always work and sometimes it takes many trials and failures until you can master your reactions, but it always helps both you and your baby because it helps you be more aware of yourself.
4. I am a better partner.
After ourselves, our romantic relationship is the second that is undergoing drastic transformations. It is easy to lose yourself in this parenting journey, especially in the first years. So it takes conscious actions to prioritise and nourish our romantic relationships. At least from time to time.
During those days I was alone, I had the time to think more about Christian, about his struggles and transformation. About the beautiful man and father, he became. I had the time to plan little surprises, to remember our journey and settle new perspectives for ourselves.
I could see what was missing and how we could make our relationship even stronger. How much I miss him when he is not around and how blessed I am to walk beside him in this life journey we have chosen to experience.
Mothers need time alone to care for themselves to be better moms, women, and wives. We give so much and we are the core of everything. We are goddesses that give birth to the alchemists of the future. Everything revolves around us, so we need our lonely moments to create a healthy foundation for their kingdom.
Having the time to plan relieves us of half of the mental pressure we put on ourselves. It gives us new perspectives and more time to enjoy ourselves, our little alchemists and our partners. Nurturing goes both ways, each and every time. We can’t offer someone what we don’t have. Yes, we can do it mechanically, but it will never be truly fulfilling on either side.
When we are alone, we prepare ourselves to have better anger management in the future by simply visualising ourselves having the reactions that are best for us and those around us.
Self-love implies loving others truly and not the other way around.
I would love to know how it was for you when you had this experience for the first time. What did you discover? How did it translate in your relationships? Write your thoughts below.
Remember to love yourself,